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Man forced to demonstrate penis pump at airport

Editorial Staff

When Richard Head passed through the security screen at Frankfurt Airport on Friday afternoon on his way to a weekend in Amsterdam, he was taken aside and questioned about the penis pump that the XRay of his bags showed. An officer insisted on a practical demonstration. It didn't happen, we weren't there, but we're telling you about it anyway.

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RH: You want me to what?

Customs officer: I want you to go into that room, with me, and show me how it works.

RH: it's a penis pump. Do you know what that is?

Customs Officer: it's a thing you use to make your penis bigger.

RH: Yes. [he puts a finger inside and operates the device]. Just like that.

Customs officer: but I don't want to see it make your finger bigger. I want to see it make your penis bigger.

RH: well, to start with I need some kind of stimulant. Usually a woman. So if you want to find out how it works, find me an attractive, young, sexy woman, preferably slightly intoxicated, to pay me attention and then once my dick starts to swell, I can attach the pump.

Customs officer: we are the German customs. We don't have women like that.

RH: just dirty old men who want me to get my dick out, with them, in a private room?

Customs Officer: I'm just doing my job.

RH: find me a woman. It won't work without one.

Customs Officer: I can't do that.

RH: Then get authority from your boss.

Customs Officer: but my boss is a woman

RH: problem solved. Call her.

Customs Officer: look, I just want to see it working before I let you get on the plane with it.

RH: I've just shown it working. What you really want is to see me with my pants round my knees and an erection. That's not going to happen.

Customs Officer: Can I do it for you?

RH: this is sexual harassment. Call your boss now. I'm going to report you.

But he didn't need to: it was all captured on a smart-phone which customs promptly confiscated under rules saying no cameras or phones in the customs clearance area. Now everyone knows since the video went viral. And the customs officer is the talk of the town, and not in a good way.

RH said "he was fat, hairy and too Germanic. I only hope that, if he had called his boss, she wasn't the same or I'd never have been able to use the bloody thing."

FACT: A Singaporean woman was stopped at Frankfurt Airport, taken into a side room and told to get her tits out, squeeze some milk to prove she was lactating and therefore it was reasonable for her to carry a breast-milk pump onto a plane.